Marvel Zombies
Oh zombies. Much like the disease they are, they have spread into everything from World War II shooters to, you guessed it, Marvel Comics. Marvel Zombies (did come out before zombies were all that and cliché) is exactly how it sounds, your favorite Marvel heroes only zombified. Thing is, it is a lot more fucked up than you would think. If you chose to read on, prepare yourself. Its gonna be a helluva ride.
So right away it starts with a major plot point. Magneto, not zombified, shut a dimensional portal, trapping the zombies in this dimension and world. As Magneto says what he has achieved, zombie Dare Devil replies, “yeah, we’re trapped here alright. With you.” This is the starting 2 page panel revealing some of the Marvel zombies. Dare Devil, Thor, Spiderman, Moon Night, Ant man, Captain America, Like Cage, Wolverine, and Angel are zombies and wish to eat Magneto. He puts up a hell of a fight. Hell, he cut the top of Captain Americas head off, causing some of his brains to spill out. Oops. It is actually revealed that he is Colonel America, not captain. That is never really explained. So yeah, they eat Magneto, yummy. Funny thing is, oh, and Wasp, Hulk, and Hawkeye make an appearance. Hawkeye dies though, wasp gets the first bite, and Hulk gets a leg. It wasn’t pretty. Anyway, back to the funny part. Apparently, when they eat, they can rationally and controllably think. In fact, Spider-man starts talking about how he regrets and can’t believe how he ate his wife (Mary Jane, poor thing…oh well) and aunt. Hell, Ant Man tells him to shut up on the grounds that everyone has eaten a loved one. What gets really funny is how they almost want to figure out…what the fuck. They don’t really care for this whole, zombie thing. They just know they’re hungry, and food is low. The hunger is so consuming, they can think of nothing else. Ant man starts questioning how or if they can die. Colonel America proves that losing some of their brain won’t do it. Hulk reverts back to banner because his hunger has been satisfied. Yeah.
Figure this gets a new paragraph because now they have to go back to Iron Man and report on the Magneto situation. They try and lie, and say that he was vaporized. But that didn’t work because Tony asked “Hey Spider-man how’s the wife and aunt” which caused Spider-man to start crying about it. Bottom line, between pussy man and Banner, Tony figured out that they didn’t share. Funny enough, Tony and Steve are still friends.
In the mean time, Ant man (Hank Pym) went off to his lab. Why, because he has a secret stash. Stash of what? Hmmmm, how does the Black Panther sound? Pym has Black Panther heavily sedated so that he can cut off his limbs and eat them. What sucks is, his wife, Wasp, finds out. Yeah, that ends with Pym biting her head off and spitting it somewhere with absolutely no remorse. He then eats Panthers leg. Yummy.
Oh but all is not lost for the zombies found more food. Who you ask? Oh no one special, just the fucking SILVER SURFER!!!! Yeah, apparently, Galactus has chosen to devour this world so that he may live. He sends for Galactus and tells the zombies their fate. What do they say? “Get him!!!” fierce battle I must admit. Iron man lost his lower half. Wolverine lost his left arm. Many zombies died again. But the Surfer made one mistake, he fried Hulks face. So, Hulk bit his head off. Tasty. So yeah, Silver Surfer is dead, they eat him. Must have tasted like cosmic powers because that’s what they got from him. Isn’t life great when fucking zombies have the power cosmic? Oh, this shit just keeps getting better.
Oh yeah, while all this shit is happening, Black Panther escaped with the aid of Wasps head. That bitch is still alive. Yeah, he ends up running into a bunch of Magneto’s people who made sanction on Asteroid M. Panther is so goody goody that he brings her head up there with him. The scientist on board is happy, he can try and find a cure. This whole sub story thing doesn’t really have much care in the story. After all, who gives a shit about the alive bastards?
Back to the good parts. So after frying every other zombie and finding out that zombies taste like shit no matter how you cook them, they turned toward Galactus himself who has come to devour their world. They figure out fast that they can’t kill him. So Pym, Tony, and Banner use their zombie brains and think of a way to kill this bastard. His meat will last them for years! When they figure it out and come to kill him, they run into some old friends. Yeah, the villains!!! Say hello to zombie Super Skrull, Green Goblin, Venom, Doctor Doom, Jugernaught, Rhino, Saber tooth, Doctor Octopus, and Red Skull. That fight was short lived. Only Colonel America died. Skull ripped the rest of his brains out. So ok, the villains suck and now Galactus is theirs for the killing. They killed him, and ate him, not in that order. They ate him alive. The world eater got eaten. Ha! You know what’s really funny? I’m going to make your ass get this because I am not going to spoil the super end. Oh it’s not over just because Galactus got eaten. No, no, see there is a real ending. It’s fucked up enough that you have to see it to believe it. So go get it.
Actually wait. First of all, if this review made you sick, then don’t get it. Also, if you are a diehard Marvel fan and can’t stand to see your favorite heroes like this, don’t get it. This is not for the meek. This is heavy shit. You WILL see your favorite Marvel Heroes in the DARKEST light you will ever see them. I mean they are pure, heartless, ruthless, merciless, killing machines who don’t give a fuck about anything but their hunger. The dialog is well written to capture that fucked-upness. Even I was skeptical about reading this, but damn was it worth it. but you have to have a few things in order to read this.
1) A VERY open mind.
2) The realization that is an alternate reality and is in no way shape or form part of the cannon Marvel universe.
3) A tolerance for zombies.
4) And lastly…a fork, knife, and a loved one nearby.
-Jason
-Jason
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